The Beneath the Behaviour Workbook

A working companion for the man doing this. Twenty-four exercises, one layer at a time, and five tools for the days in between.

Most men come to this having already changed something. This is not a page about whether you tried. It is a page about what your effort landed on.

Fill it in on screen or print it and write on it. Every answer field is a real field — it saves what you type, and nothing in the file adds anything up.

Two files

The workbook. The opening, the five layers with all twenty-four exercises, the look back, and a map of the first stretch.
The Daily Sheets. The five tools and every repeated grid, as their own file — so you can reprint the pages you use daily without reprinting the book.

Purchasing isn’t open yet. The free guide is how you’ll hear when it is.

How to use it

Three rules, and they are the whole method

There is no version of this where you get the result without writing the true answer, including on the pages where the true answer is worse than you would like it to be.

Honesty, or don’t bother. The exercises are not clever enough to catch you out and they are not trying to be. A page filled in carefully and dishonestly is worse than a blank one, because you will believe it later.
Nobody reads this but you. This is not a document for her. It is not evidence and it is not something to hand over to prove you have been working. What you do not do is leave it where she will find it, or give it to her and then wait to see what she says.
Write badly and quickly. If a page takes you forty minutes you are polishing, and the polish is where the true answer went.

You will not do all of this in one sitting. Some pages will sit unfinished for a week before you can write on them. That is not a failure of the workbook or of you.

What is in it

Twenty-four exercises, five tools

Five exercises per layer, and the fifth in every layer is a script — the thing said out loud to a therapist or an accountability partner. Never to her.

One page in each layer is the uncomfortable one. You will know which.

Where you actually are

The opening, the five-layer map, and one exercise: what the work you have already done actually reached.

Layer one — Behaviour

What anyone could see from the outside. The layer everyone measures, and the one that stops first.

The visible inventory
What stopped, and what took its place
The line that moved
Say it out loud

Layer two — Attention

Where your attention goes when nothing is happening. It runs while you are holding her hand.

Three days of the actual thing
What it was for
Put it back into the evening
The reach toward her
Say it out loud

Layer three — Permission

The private rules that made it all right. You decide, alone, what counts.

Your actual rules, in your own words
What I told myself / what was actually true
The deciding, counted
The line between automatic and chosen
Say it out loud

Layer four — Secrecy

The ongoing management of what she is allowed to know about her own life. This is where the harm to her lives, and it is the most durable part of the pattern.

What she was allowed to know
The reserve bank
Timeline of what she raised
Proactive or reactive
Say it out loud

Layer five — Belonging

What the whole structure was built to solve. Until this layer is reached, the ones above it keep rebuilding.

The first time
What being known costs
The substitute, priced
Say it out loud

The daily and weekly tools

The five that ship as The Daily Sheets, reprintable for as long as you need them.

The traffic light check-in
The interrupt, five steps — with a cut-out carry card
The five daily questions
The transparency log
The plan for the conditions that are yours

This is not a test

There is no score, no total, and no line to be above or below. Do not add anything up. Nothing on any page tells you how you are doing, and nothing in the file computes a result about you — there are no counters, no totals and no conditional summaries anywhere in it, deliberately.

It is also not a document about whether you are a good man. The most common accurate answer to several of these pages, for a long time, is I can’t tell yet — and that is the right answer, not a dodge.

Educational material, not therapy and not an assessment of you. If you are working with a therapist, bring it to them. If you are not, it may help you work out what kind of support you are looking for.

$37 CAD · Not yet open for purchase

It sits underneath the courses

The workbook works on its own, but it was written to sit underneath What This Pattern Actually Is and What Recovery Actually Requires — the courses explain the map, and this is where you write your own answers onto it.

When it opens: fourteen days, no reason required, refunded in full. You keep the files either way.

You cannot find your way out of something you have not correctly mapped.

Send me the free guide

What this is.

Educational material, not therapy, and not an assessment of you. Buying it doesn’t create a professional relationship between us. Nothing here is a way of arriving at a diagnosis and nothing here should be used as one.

A note on language.

Throughout, the person with the pattern is “he” and the partner is “she.” The pronouns are for readability, not for exclusion.

If you are in immediate danger, call 911. In Canada, the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline is available 24/7 — call or text 9-8-8.

Elizabeth Joy Dubois, MSW, RSW · Registered Social Worker and psychotherapist · Ontario
© 2026 · sexaddictionhelp.ca · Terms and refunds

Several of these exercises ask what the concealing cost her. If you want that in her own words rather than as a prompt, it is written out at betrayaltrauma.ca.